Relationships
How We Leave Ourselves Vulnerable to Exploitation
Clues to how we let others exploit us.
Posted June 23, 2021 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Many people are confused and dismayed by how personal and professional interpersonal situations play out.
- People approach interpersonal problems with three general strategies. One, the "exploitable-subservient" pattern, leaves us vulnerable to others.
- Learning the roots of being exploited arms us with self-knowledge useful for selecting more adaptive, secure ways of addressing problems.
Recently, I reviewed useful research on how people approach interpersonal problems. This is not about how we act when relationships are going as expected or planned, but how we respond when there is a concerning situation. They way we respond, however, isn't always helpful, sometimes arising from insecure attachment and problematic personality traits.
Astonishingly, three profiles1 covered the strategies people use when dealing with difficult social situations:
- Flexible-Adaptive
- Exploitable-Subservient
- Hostile-Avoidant
Recognition
For many, the Exploitable-Subservient profile is the real eye-opener. When we’re being taken advantage of, it is easier to focus on the other person’s choices, rather than our own less helpful modes of interaction. Or if we do focus on ourselves, internal criticism and feelings of low self-esteem are in line with the other person's hostile attacks, which may be under the guise of love or productivity.
We aren’t looking to “blame the victim” but to empower ourselves with self-knowledge with the intent of pursuing targeted change based on actionable data. With this in mind, six factors emerge in self-compassionately contemplating the jarring Exploitable-Subservient profile:
1. Being exploitable and subservient for survival. While temperament has a significant genetic component, developmental forces also contribute strongly to how we approach relational problems. Research shows that people with early maltreatment are more likely to experience future abuse, in part because of distortions in self-image and perception of others.
The style our parents use also shapes our personality in adulthood; overly authoritarian or permissive parenting sets up children for relationship problems. Parents who have trauma pass it along through hostile and helpless reactions to parenting challenges, leaving children feeling like there were something wrong with them on a basic level when typically they were normal kids. Later on in life, these experiences make it harder to know who and how to trust. People may gravitate toward destructive choices, or try to avoid them unsuccessfully, and so on.
2. When it works and when it doesn’t. Being overly apologetic, solicitous, or accommodating may work, though, within limits. Or does it? For psychological reasons, it can be seductive to confuse being flexible and adaptive with being exploitable and subservient: Especially when there is a power imbalance, and the other person is controlling and exploitative, unhealthy dependency may lead us to think we’re being “nice” when actually we are rendering ourselves more vulnerable than we think or want.
3. Intentions don’t matter. Does this sound counterintuitive?: When we are open to being exploited, we tend to be preoccupied (understandably, perhaps) with fairness. It often distracts from what we need, which is often something like self-protection. Or we direct our efforts toward changing the other person rather than changing the terms of the relationship or ending the relationship swiftly if it is irreparably unhealthy. The only way intentions might matter once the relationship is over is in determining how much of a danger the other person might be.
The wish for the other person to change, and the self-destructive tendency to keep engaging when it isn't working, may be rooted in early relationships. The compulsion to think about the other person's intentions, to wish for justice, or to imagine the person is someone else, rather than accepting their behavior and what it means for ourselves, suggests something is amiss.
4. There’s no real give-and-take. By definition, when one person is taking more than they give, exploitation is occurring. We are often vaguely aware that this is the case, while mainly being in denial or dissociated. There may be pathological needs being met by being subservient and “giving it away” too easily — being a “good person,” for example—but it isn’t out of generosity or self-respect. Insisting on balanced sharing, mutuality, and respect from the very beginning, and not compromising, will quickly show if others really have our best interests at heart.
5. They are operating with different rules. When we are available for exploitation, when we are unnecessarily submissive, we give others the “benefit of the doubt." It seems aligned with our values but is a red flag. We can rationalize, persuading ourselves that we're doing the right thing—but at the end of the proverbial day, we may miss the reality that the other person doesn’t share our values. They may have distortions in how they see themselves as well, which narcissistic people impose on others.2
6. Gaslighting’s cousin. Being Exploitable-Subservient is the counterpart to gaslighting, making it much easier for someone who is exploitative to both identify marks and succeed in deceit and manipulation, whether intentional or unconscious. Asking, “Am I being gaslighted?” doesn’t ordinarily come up in healthy relationships. Watch out for the “dark triad” personality—they often seem like soulmates or perfect business partners, because they are in our emotional blind spots. Learning to defeat the inner gaslighter protects us to an extent from others’ “crazy-making” tactics.3
Shifting gears
We don't often want to pay attention to these factors in ourselves, or it feels overwhelming, or we're focused on the other person too much...but paying attention thoughtfully to ourselves, with compassionate curiosity, is a game-changer. There is help available in the form of personal development resources, including self-help materials and supportive groups, as well as professional services. Getting the right help is crucial.
The discovery that we may be inadvertently contributing to our own unhappiness lands hard, often with self-criticism, emotional pain and guilt, and myriad fears. These challenges are relatively common, connected with our sense of self.
It's helpful to approach this all-so-human situation by getting grounded and educated, limiting destructive behaviors as much as possible, managing emotions, building self-reflective capacity, and taking a long view. Easier said than done, but the effort pays off.
Shifting to a flexible-adaptive approach, rooted in secure attachment, is part of the solution. Being mindful of interpersonal choices, staying with people with a flexible-adaptive approach, and carefully managing those who approach interpersonal problems differently is a recipe for greater life satisfaction.
References
Notes
1. Interpersonal problem profiles
Flexible-Adaptive: As the name suggests, this approach to interpersonal problems is characterized by greater openness and mental agility, correlated with secure attachment. Up to half of people used this profile, more women than men (60/40)..
Exploitable-Subservient: This profile is characterized by being deferential and more easily taken advantage of by others, associated with preoccupied attachment. Over a quarter of people use this one, about 75 percent women.
Hostile-Avoidant: This profile is characterized by angry withdrawal in the face of interpersonal strain, or “passive-aggressive” behavior, associated with fearful attachment. About a quarter of subjects use this profile, equally common among women and men.
2. No matter how hard we wish they would, think they should or imagine the could—if only they would deal with their issues—that isn't who they really are. We may be in a fantasy that they are someone different than who they are, perhaps who we wish they would be, or who we wish someone else could have been.
3. However, when violence and threats of violence, extortion and abuse of power come into play, it is a different situation from the day-to-day interpersonal problems discussed here, and may represent domestic or interpersonal violence.
